A thought 11/16/2012

Additions have come up a lot in my conversations over the past week, new moon phase. Causing me to want to look at my own addictions.

I started to look at what it is I am addicted to. This is a hard conversation and a serious one to have through self talk. I realized I avoid addictions like the plague. I mean the point I start to like something too much I find a way to stop doing, being or wanting that thing.

This runs very deep into my soul perhaps even my spirit. I am starting to think that my addiction is running. I want to say running away from fear but I will leave it at its purest basic truth..... RUNNING.

Again just as I said before if I start to like something, I MEAN LIKE LIKE it I RUN from it. For example.... I've never had a drop of alcohol or any type of drug ... NONE period. In life when intimacy gets to good I get out of relationships. I'll avoid people, move even change my number. And (THIS IS ADULT) with sex I'll just stop it all together. Currently, I am enter year 4 of celibacy.  TMI, I know but it is the my truth. I'll even go as far as to make people not want to be around me by doing the very things I know they can not stand. Most of this is subconscious but it is still happening.

It is scary to think that I have been living in a world where my every action is predicated on that which I fear. Funny enough I've also had the fear of people running from me. I hate to say good byes, so much so I came up with a way to say chocolate as good bye.... "pieces like Reese".

Having said this I still am not going to run out to the vABC and buy it out. I will however look more closely at my choices and question why it is that I am choosing what it is that I choose.

I heard someone speak about being addicted to shopping, I mean truly addicted to purchasing things. Getting up at 4 am to get to an Outlet mall just so they can get to the next one before 11 am which would allow them to get to the last one before their children get out of school. No eating, no using the bathroom nothing but the task of spending money to purchase things they had no need of. I sat there thinking how do or when do I deprive myself of eating and bathroom usage. My honest answer is daily without true reason other then I am not making the choice to eat or get  up to go tot he bathroom in fear that I might miss something ..... NO JUST IN FEAR. Fear is a constant choice. I rather choose LOVE and I actually do my best to act out of love but I react because of fear. When I was younger I use to say I have no fear but fear itself. I see now that this is truer in my adult years. I fear no man yet I have feared my reaction towards them. Fear is a driving force and within my thoughts I am trying to find a way to steer myself by LOVE and LOVE alone.

Con Amor,

Love is...TL